Posted by: hmillic | November 2, 2005

Written August 8th, 2005

There are several times, during any given day, where I secretly wish I could push a button to trigger an invisible barbiturate IV drip. The painkiller of choice would be entirely dependent on the situation. Need to clean the apartment and/or do laundry? Shot of tylenol, please! Something breaks in my apartment for the 1,000th time and i need to “put in a work order”? Double shot of tylenol. An ex-boyfriend asks to have a uber-involved, dramatically emotional conversation about our breakup for the 5,000th time? Morphine. Anyone asks me where I’m going to work/live, what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, etc. etc.? Vicodin, stat! My mom asks me what my plans are/when the shit I’m going to start making money and stop being such a dumbass for the billionth time? Elephant tranquilizers will instantaneously render me unconscious. Avoiding giving a definite answer to the only job offer i have and actually looking for a job…. just give me heroin. Trainspotting style. Unfortunately, I must endure all the whimsical fun and laughs that go along with being a “responsible adult” free of medication. Love it. When i have kids, whenever an of them say ” gee whiz, i can’t wait to be a grown-up!” I’m going to immediately pull a Billy Madison-esque face grab and rant and rave about what an insane idea that is… hopefully my kid wont have a fat face like the one in Billy Madison though, that would be most unfortunate. I think I’m in the midst of post-graduation depression or something. Except I’m not really depressed about having no direction or plans, thats the thing. I find this utterly bizarre. I was flipping out about this shit for so long, and now… I’m in no hurry to get anywhere, nothing is calling me, and even if something was, I don’t think I’d even answer at this point. It’s like I’m standing around, looking, waiting for an epiphanny or an invisible hand to show me the way. Any way. But that’s not going to happen. All your life, you have your parents, teachers, schools… programs, rules, goals….everything laid out for you. The path is clearly marked. There are forks in the road, to be sure, but they’re marked too. Then, the sidewalk ends (thought i’d shout out to shel silverstein there!) and you’re given the keys to your life. “It’s all you now, good luck!”, says a voice, and then the iron door slams shut behind you. Some people backpack europe to ‘find themselves’ or to have a last hurrah at lackadaisical merriment, others go right to grad school, still more go right into the jobs they’d been preparing for. Some set off to big cities to chase big dreams of stardom and acclaim…most of them end up just waiting tables for years until their spirit finally breaks…and then march off to a cubicle, defeated. Others are more wayward, they go back to live at home for a while to gather their bearings, or work in temporary jobs while they figure out the best long-term career path. Most just take the best job they can get, one that offers the most comprehensive benefit package and 401k plan and ride that out the rest of their days until they can retire and buy a Winnebago. Me? I can’t seem to fit in any of these categories. I’m just staring at the future, blankly, wide-eyed, and dumbfounded, wondering if I should feel something different, or anything at all. So I guess, in a way, I have my wish. I’ve somehow, along the way, pushed an invisible button that has numbed me from this whole frightening episode.. and I don’t know if thats a blessing that I should be grateful for, or a curse that’s soon going to bite me in the ass.


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